Dear Newsweek, I have two older sisters who are 11 months apart in age, while I'm a little over a decade younger. By the time I was a teenager, they were married and having kids, and my parents moved me to a new school, so I don't know a lot of their friends.
Everyone always refers to them as a pair, while I have to justify my actual relationship with them, even to their children. Seriously, I was relegated to the kids' table until I was 34. When they were teenagers and I was little, our parents decided that it was easier to deal with us separately because the "big girls" didn't want to do "baby stuff" with me. It made sense when I was 5, but it's still happening now I'm 40.
A few weeks ago, I was on social media and I saw dozens of photos from a wild-looking party. It was a surprise party for one of my sisters' 50th birthday. Everyone was there, including their kids, our parents, their friends, as well as their kids' friends and their parents. I was the only family member not invited. No one even told me about it.
When I called to ask why didn't anyone tell me about any of this, both of my sisters got angry at me for feeling hurt by not being invited. They said that they don't want to have to explain me to other people, since I don't look anything like them and I would ruin the aesthetic. Any time that I've met their friends over the years, I'm referred to as the "other one," and not by my actual name.
I asked my parents why they didn't tell them that I should be present at a family party, but they said that my sisters have been doing this for decades and they just assumed that I was aware of it. To their credit, my parents felt terrible for what's happened through the years, but they just felt it was easier to keep us separate and never thought to change that dynamic as I reached adulthood.
How can I finally make my family accept me as an actual adult as well as a real family member?
Nichole, Unknown
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
Being The 'Odd One Out' In A Family Is Hard
Melissa Tran, LMFT, PMH-C, is a clinical instructor at Nova Southeastern University and a licensed marriage and family therapist.
Dear Nichole,
Is there a missing piece or family secret leading to this decades-long rejection with you being the "other one" and having to be explained? It's understandable how hurtful and confusing this dynamic has been, only to be rationalized by an age gap and ruining "the aesthetic." While your parents' decision might have been easier for them and your sisters, enabling the separation of siblings came at the cost of your familial attachment and sense of belonging.
Regarding how to make your family accept you—well, you can't. The burden should not be placed on you to control how others choose to think, feel and behave. That is the unfortunate reality and probably not what you hoped to hear. However, you can continue to be assertive by sharing your feelings, hopes, and desire for connection. Use "I feel" statements to communicate your experience and make sure to avoid using "you" in those statements as that can sound like criticism. Find those in your life who love you unconditionally and relish in those relationships. Your worth is not diminished by whether your sisters accept you or not. As always, family therapy is a safe space for dialogue and healing if people are willing.
Best of luck,
Melissa
Feeling Excluded From Family Is A Heavy Burden
Jane Hammerslough, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, and author. She is a clinical fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
Dear Nichole,
First, I am so sorry that you had to experience your family's cruelty surrounding the family birthday party. Your sisters' behavior was immature and unkind. Their anger at you being hurt, the idea that you would "ruin the aesthetic," and referring to you as "the other one" is the stuff of middle-school nightmares—not the behavior of mature middle-aged women.
And while they may have felt terrible, your parents' assumptions and inaction surrounding defending, protecting, or even including you in other events over the years are both disturbing and perplexing. Feeling excluded from your family time and time again is a heavy burden, and it is certainly understandable why you want the situation to change.
So the $64,000 question here is... can the situation change? Are the people in your family capable of behaving in a more thoughtful and kinder way? Would they ever be able to stop being defensive and examine their own behavior and how it impacts you? In your heart, do you believe they will ever be able to accept you as a "real adult and real family member"?
Maya Angelou once wrote, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." While it is clear that you yearn for connection with your family, it also sounds like their poor behavior in the past hasn't changed over time.
Will it ever change in the future? It is important for you to clarify what you hope to have from these disturbing relationships—and how much, realistically, you can expect from your family members. Speaking to a therapist can help you sort through your own expectations and examine your own needs and strengths—and perhaps, discern if your sisters are capable of change and worth your effort in trying to connect with them in the future.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
");jQuery(this).remove()}) jQuery('.start-slider').owlCarousel({loop:!1,margin:10,nav:!0,items:1}).on('changed.owl.carousel',function(event){var currentItem=event.item.index;var totalItems=event.item.count;if(currentItem===0){jQuery('.owl-prev').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-prev').removeClass('disabled')} if(currentItem===totalItems-1){jQuery('.owl-next').addClass('disabled')}else{jQuery('.owl-next').removeClass('disabled')}})}})})
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7r7HWrK6enZtjsLC5jrCqopxdm66utcuyZKiklJq%2Fbr%2FIrKueqqNisrmvy66bnpxdpa6zsc2toKefXWaEd4OUcGs%3D