DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife’s admitted having a two-year affair with my best friend. I am devastated.
I’ve cut him out of my life but I still love her and want to forgive. I just don’t know how to.
We have been married for 16 years and have a teenage son. I am 40 and she is 39.
My former best mate is also 40. We were childhood mates, which makes his betrayal even worse.
It’s been a week since I learned about the affair, which my wife assures me has been over for several months.
His partner assumed I knew, so when I bumped into her in town she asked me how I was dealing with their “betrayal”.
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Shocked and disbelieving, I confronted my wife. She broke down and told me everything.
Unfortunately, our relationship had gone stale and I have to take some responsibility for what happened.
Over the years, I had been working long hours. Looking back, my wife felt neglected, but I ignored the signs.
Our sex life had become virtually non-existent and I stopped paying her compliments. You could say I took her for granted.
She craved affection. My ex-best friend gave it to her.
Apparently, they were sneaking around, having sex in hotels and even in his car.
I haven’t spoken to him since I found out and I don’t want to.
My wife and I are now sleeping in separate rooms and barely talking.
But I am certain I don’t want to lose her too. What can I do to put this behind us and move forward?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve been betrayed by the two people closest to you, and that is devastating. But after 18 years together, you still love your wife and want to repair the marriage.
Holding on to your pain and anger will stop you from doing this. You need to be honest with her – and she with you.
You seem to blame your friend and yourself but she is also guilty.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? will help.
Sometimes, couples find it hard to discuss difficult issues and end up feeling more hurt.
A couples’ counsellor can organise discussions and help you find a way forward together.
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Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960), who have online help available.
It will take time to get past this and rebuild trust. But if you are both prepared to put in the effort and make the changes needed in your relationship, you can be happy again.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
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