A spouse has been backed for threatening to dump their wife due to her "anxiety" over work trips. In a viral Reddit post, u/she_her2020, revealed how their "jealous" wife has a strange attitude towards other women.
The original poster (OP) told Newsweek: "I'm so sick of this cycle of hell." The lengthy post details the questions they had to deal with ahead of a two-day work conference.
Newsweek spoke to a trauma and relationship expert to find out if something could be done to amend the marriage that is seemingly on the brink of divorce.
The post—which has received 12,200 upvotes—is heavily bullet-pointed with all the questions asked six weeks before the national work event.
Among the list were inquiries about out-of-hour work events, such as meals with clients, and requests to collect the original poster after an hour of attendance.
Sally Baker, a family therapist, said the spouse's behavior is "compulsive". She may be suffering from relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (R-OCD) which is an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) subtype that is characterized by ongoing intrusive thoughts and compulsive behavior around the uncertainty of a relationship.
Other examples of the questions include "why can't I go?", and "can you leave early?" and "why does that woman on your team like your LinkedIn posts?"
The list continues and the OP reveals they were even told it would be a "betrayal" of their marriage if they speak to two men she "hates" that were attending the function.
The OP told Newsweek this isn't the first time it has happened during their two-year marriage, and the poster explained this "behavior" has been ongoing from the start.
"We had so many obstacles to cross early on, so many hardships because of Covid, that I think I blamed any emotional issues on that. But now that Covid is pretty much a thing of the past these emotional issues persist," they said.
The Reddit user explained how they deal with the "episodes".
"I'm OK. I can talk to her, listen, have a dialogue, reassure her, and negotiate something reasonable that works for both of us. But honestly after countless hours and sleepless nights of talking about the same thing it gets so draining. Whatever the issue is she'll just complain about literally anything and everything about the topic. So she's having a quiet emotional outburst while I'm thinking we're discussing and reaching mutual understanding," they told Newsweek.
The Redditor told other users they have been to a counselor but the wife didn't respond well to being told she should be "supportive of work events".
"I just can't take it anymore. I've been to counseling and no amount of 'I statements' or 'reassurance' help. She just gets hyper-emotional and that's it, my life is pure hell."
"She lost it: "YOU'RE ENCOURAGING EVENTS THAT TEAR US APART?!?!" I think I'm done. Now I have to start this divorce process," the user wrote.
The OP told Newsweek it is a "lonely experience" as the wife doesn't want anyone to know about their "dynamics".
Speaking to Newsweek, the OP said: "I have to suffer alone. When we talk to counselors she'll secretly talk to them one-on-one and try to blame me for everything. And blame my frustration as a sign that I've got deeper issues."
"I'm totally drained. She messages me all the time trying to act like everything should be fine now, she's calmed down now that the conference is over. But I don't trust her now. In two weeks she'll attack me again for getting upset, then something like my office Christmas party will come up, and then this process will start all over again."
Newsweek spoke to London-based therapist Sally Baker, who specialises in working with people who feel broken or stuck.
"Your wife's behavior sounds compulsive. She knows that her constant doubting and mistrust alienate you and are detrimental to your relationship. It sounds as though she feels compelled to behave in this way," she said.
Sally advises the OP to use a Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) technique called Time Line. It involves drawing a straight line on a piece of paper and noting the date you met on the left-hand end of the line. The right-hand end represents the present.
"Think about the key events during your time together. Consider how was her behavior around trust issues when you first began dating. If her behavior was more reasonable and balanced make a note above the line. If her behavior was doubting and driven by mistrust write a note below the line.
"Plot her behavior about key events. For instance, how was her behavior with trust issues around the birth of any children; moving house; career changes; menopause; bereavement; and other losses she experienced, including miscarriages or the deaths of her close relatives?"
Sally explains the Time Line method can be used to pinpoint when the spouse's behavior changed.
"This exercise should highlight periods in your marriage when your wife was able to behave in more measured ways and times when her distrust of you escalated. Are there real-life events that may have caused her behavior to change including drinking more alcohol or changes in the use of recreational drugs?
"If there are, then you can use these insights to help better understand her motivations and seek a therapist who can work with her or you both to resolve the distress she has experienced that is being played out in her behavior."
"Being told by a counselor that she should be more supportive of work events is unfortunately not going to change anything. Finding out what is driving her behavior is the first step for her to be able to change the way she thinks and feels which must distress her as much as it distresses you," she told Newsweek.
Over 1,000 people have flocked to the comments to offer support, one user said: "I mean this is so disturbing.
"Some people are not meant for any counseling as they don't want any help from inside cause from their perspective they are the right ones. I feel sorry for you, Op. Being with your wife won't bring anything good for you, so all the best for the divorce of course if you have kids, please don't put them with her cause these frustrations of hers will surely break them too."
"This isn't anxiety. This is her way of literally controlling you. She is sabotaging your work trip to connect, develop, and grow. Only a narcissist would set these demands on you and exhaust you of your sanity. Flowers for you for having the patience to stay with this asshole for so long. She needs to get her own friends and not crushingly weigh on you for all types of support," another wrote.
Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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