Dear Deidre
MY cousin and I have wonderful sex together. We know it’s wrong but can’t stop. It feels so right to be close.
The saddest part is that we have to lie and constantly be on our guard against someone finding out by chance.
I am 25 and my cousin is 23. I have always thought her beautiful. One day we found ourselves chatting for hours at a family wedding and realised how well we got on.
It seemed the most natural thing in the world to suggest meeting up for a meal and talking some more.
I walked her home afterwards and that night we had sex. It felt perfect, but we knew family and friends would be horrified.
We have carried on seeing one another and our love gets stronger and stronger.
It gets difficult when people ask if I have a girlfriend.
I have to make sure there are no emails on view and I have to leave the room to take a call or a text from her. I worry people are beginning to guess and feel it must show all over my face.
We always use protection so have no worries on that score.
Her parents constantly come up with suitable men for her. Her teenage sister even told me she thinks she must be gay because she’s not interested in boys.
DEIDRE SAYS: There is no bar in the UK against cousins having a
relationship and even marrying. Some faiths frown on it and from the sound of it you expect your family to object.
Start by talking to the most open-minded of your relatives or perhaps a respected friend of the family. That person may then agree to have a word with the others or to be there when you and your cousin do.
It’s always sensible to use protection until you plan to have a family. If your relationship is serious enough for that, ask your GP to refer you for genetic counselling just to be sure there is no particular, or unusual, problem in your family you need to be aware of.
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s friend thought we had an “open marriage” – he clearly knows my husband has other women.
We are in our thirties and split up the first time he cheated, a few years ago. That woman got pregnant by him. I was pregnant too, and it broke my heart.
Did he want my baby? I didn’t know. He supports the other child.
He stayed but my trust had all gone. One night his mate joked that he wished he had an “open marriage” like ours. That was news to me.
When my husband returned from the pub I couldn’t help but have a dig about other women. He totally lost it and said that he didn’t love me and was leaving.
I don’t want him to go. We have three children under ten. Two of them have seen him leaving before.
How can I get him to see the heartbreak he’ll cause? He didn’t see the tears they shed before. He reads your page so please print your advice and save my marriage.
DEIDRE SAYS: I wish it was that easy. He should stop seeing other women
and work to strengthen your marriage.
It would probably mean he must look at his childhood and see what happened to
make it so hard for him to trust anyone enough to commit to them.
My e-leaflet Find It Hard To Be Faithful? will help. His children will always be his and deserve his love.
Find help from Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).
Penis pump has ruined passion
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend bought a penis pump because he wanted to be bigger. This made him thicker in girth but not as erect as before and now it hurts to have sex with him.
He is 27, I am 24. I always thought he was the perfect size and often told him so. I was more than happy with our sex life the way it was.
Now sex is ruined for me. I still love him but no longer feel attracted to him. Is it necessary to feel sexual attraction as well as love?
DEIDRE SAYS: If having a satisfying sex life is important to you, yes.
There are no magic ways to increase penis size – all have risks.
If he stops using the pump, his penis will go back to how it was but it sounds to me like two or three different issues have got confused. You shouldn’t find sex uncomfortable if he is taking time and trouble to ensure that you are fully aroused.
But that may not happen if you no longer find him attractive. Did his obsession with his size below the belt put you off?
If you were happy until now, it’s worth trying the suggestions in my e-leaflets Manhood Too Small? and Thrilling a Woman in Bed.
Dear Deidre
MY husband treats me really badly. I want to leave but feel I have to stay for our children. We are in our thirties and have two little boys of five and three.
My husband only takes notice of me when he wants sex. But as soon as it is all over, he goes back to how he was before, putting me down and treating me like a servant.
DEIDRE SAYS: Even if he is loving to your sons it is damaging for them to grow up against this background. Tell your husband either he changes or you will get advice on ending your marriage, which could mean he has to leave the family home. My e-leaflet Abusive Partner? will help you find support.
Online date has stopped texting
Dear Deidre
I MET a guy online and we hit it off immediately. We had two great dates, then I heard nothing. I can’t understand what I have done wrong.
Our first date went well and we arranged another with me cooking for him. This went well, too.
He said he looked forward to meeting my family. I was delighted that he was thinking so far ahead. I am 31 and he is 34.
Suddenly everything went quiet. I had no reply to my texts. He always found time to text before.
I can’t stop crying. We told one another how much we liked each other. I don’t want to lose him.
DEIDRE SAYS: For whatever reason, he is already lost. If he does not even have the kindness to let you know he won’t be contacting you again, he is not worth your tears.
It is much more likely to be something wrong with him than anything you’ve done.
Some people – men especially – get a buzz out of the initial feeling of being wanted but positively panic if a relationship shows signs of going further.
It’s to do with their past – not their partner. My e-leaflet Love Online will help you avoid getting hurt in future.
Autism makes it hard to cope
Dear Deidre
I MAKE myself miserable by comparing myself with other guys who are outgoing and have girlfriends.
I find it difficult to cope with other people because I have autism.
As I get older I find it harder not to get upset.
I am 22 and do not work full-time. I study the weather and keep records.
I do not smile at people I don’t know because I am only comfortable if they smile at me first.
I know I do not have normal brain function and I find it hard to be around others of my age.
My mum and dad still support me, which I am happy about.
DEIDRE SAYS: Judging from your email and the way you express yourself, you have already achieved a great deal. You have a lot to be proud of if you
find communicating difficult.
But you can get some more support to help you communicate with people face-to-face if this is what you find hardest.
Get in touch with the National Autistic Society, which offers all sorts of support including social groups (autism.org.uk, 0808 800 4104).
I went for promotion but feel like a mug
Dear Deidre
BOTH my bosses encouraged me to apply for two senior jobs at the firm where I’ve worked for the past eight years. I was turned down for both and think I have been used and taken for a mug.
I am a man of 42 and have been in my trade for nearly 20 years. I have done everything my bosses asked and was told I had a great chance of promotion and should put in for these two posts.
Then someone higher up the food chain tipped me off that the jobs were already allocated.
The interview went well but I later received a call telling me I was unsuccessful, giving reasons which were just not true.
I am still fuming. I feel used, humiliated and angry. I have been asked to attend a meeting to discuss my interview but I worry I will just let rip and say how furious I am.
There are few other jobs around, but I am finding it hard to carry on working here.
DEIDRE SAYS: No wonder you are angry. Interviews should follow a process and the outcome should not be decided before they have taken place.
It is rarely a good idea to lose your temper at work.
Talk over what happened with Acas which helps with workplace issues. It can go through with you how the process should have been handled. This will help you prepare for your meeting (acas.org.uk,
0300 123 1100).
Try to resolve the issue, but if you do decide to leave have another job lined up first.
Topic4today
THERE are two million single-parent families in the UK, and lone parents can find it hard to make friends. Once the kids are in bed they may feel they only have the TV for company. My e-leaflet Lonely Single Parent? explains help available. Email me at problems@deardeidre.org
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