The Observer This article is more than 23 years oldMy wife wants another baby. I don't
This article is more than 23 years oldMy wife is desperate for a second child. I am adamant that I do not want another one. We have a happy home life and I enjoy and love my daughter but I do not have the time or money to commit to a second child. Should I give in to my wife, whom I don't want to be unhappy, and sacrifice the stability of our relationship, or should I hold my ground?
A.B. of Beaconsfield
You do not seem to have the give-and-take that is necessary to resolve marital disagreements. One of you will have to give way, and it's not for me or any outside agent to say who it should be. The balance of probabilities favours your wife because, with sufficient determination, it is easier to perpetrate an act than to prevent one.
You seem to be deploying a little moral blackmail to boost your wishes and you assume with no justification that your relationship and family is in danger of misery if you do not get your way.
This is not honest or even realistic. If you do have another child it is probable that your natural parenting instincts will love him/her as warmly as your first baby.
It would be prudent to examine your real motives for not wanting a second child. If you have time for one, you certainly have time for two, beyond infancy, because so many activities are done together, and as they often play with each other it can relieve you somewhat of providing amusement.
I can't comment on the money issue. It depends on your expectations for them and what else you want to do with your income.
You may have motives for your stance which are less laudable and more selfish, but feel that you cannot express them because they would weaken your argument. Don't be afraid to admit to being selfish: we all are.
The father-child bond develops later and more slowly than the maternal equivalent, but can take you by storm. Men who dread the new arrival can discover a new joy and fulfilment beyond their imagining.
Your letter suggests you may have felt the first child came between you and your partner and that you had less of her love and attention. This is inevitable in the early weeks and you can best deal with it by being more active in the parenting role.
Twenty years ago, few men would have occupied themselves with buggies, bottles, baths and babygrows, but now it is perfectly acceptable and even politically correct. Relieving the incessant demands on a young mother will earn her gratitude and improve your mutual bonding.
If your wife sacrifices her darling wish she will harbour a life-long sadness, maybe resentment too. If you give in, any negative feelings will be washed away before the first batch of nappies is dry on the line.
Which of these two situations is likely to be more destabilising to your family, do you think?
Readers' Replies
This quandary is similar to one in my own family. The wife eventually became pregnant for the second time, only to learn she was expecting twins.
A.B. of Bucks should consider how he would feel if the same thing happened to his wife. In our case the first daughter (who was five) loved the baby girls so much she tended them as if they were her own. The twins are beautiful and everyone is happy.
Name and address withheld
Next Week's Problem
Two years ago my husband, who is 70, started an affair with a woman 18 years his junior. After three months he was 'found out' and promised the affair was over. They continued it but, when I threatened a divorce, he finally ended it.
We set about rebuilding our relationship (we have been married 43 years and love each other). All seemed well but trust is a hard thing to put back in place. Then last November I discovered she had been leaving letters and flowers by a bench on a walk they had used. He tore them up. But she still regularly leaves flowers and has even carved their initials on the bench.
My problem is that this walk is a favourite of ours and seeing the flowers greatly upsets me, as the message seems to be: 'I am still waiting should you change your mind.'
Apparently, he never told her the affair was over. I have no doubt he had strong feelings for her and doesn't want to hurt her by writing a strong letter, but should we just ignore them, as he suggests? What else can we do to stop her?
S.E. of Herts
Write to Observer Review or email margaret.cook@observer.co.uk Views on the problems must reach us by Wednesday. Margaret Cook writes for Woman's Journal
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